"You should listen to your heart,
and not the voices in your head".
Words of wisdom from Marge, which i'm going to try and follow today. The voices in my head are saying stuff I don't need to hear, negative stuff (you're not getting the loan) bad stuff (why didn't you start saving when you were working in Sydney earning mega bucks instead of wasting all that money on stupid stuff like Playstation games, dinners out 5 days a week, alcohol and CDs) sometimes even nasty stuff (you don't deserve to be happy - you're fat, ugly and nobody likes you).
But my heart says, if it's meant to be it will be and worrying isn't going to make any difference to the outcome. So i'm just going to try to relax a little and let everything happen and stop worrying and doing that emotional eating thing.
I don't know why the monologue in my head is negative, I think I need to learn to love myself more and accept that I am a nice person and that people do like me. I had a pretty rough childhood. I got picked on a lot. We moved a lot and I didn't have long term friends. I envy people who have the same friends they went to Kindie with and I hope that my son has life long friends and not just bad memories like I have from my school days. I didn't let myself get too close to anyone eventually (except boys but that's a whole nuther story) because I knew eventually I would have to leave them and I didn't want to go through the sadness again and again. My father in particular, would always be very quick to blame me when anything went wrong and he didn't understand that I was becoming emotionally barren because of the life that we had and still to this day I feel that I have to seek everyone's approval constantly.
He even went so far as not believing me when a "friend" of his tried to kiss me when I was about 14. Dirty old bastard. Then when I was 18 and working at a petrol station the owner tried to molest me in the store room and my father didn't believe me then either, and told me I had to keep working there.
Sorry I didn't mean this to turn into a confessional about my sad old life. Crikey, i've really opened up here today. I'm wondering whether I should just delete that and write a new post. I don't know why all of that has come out. Sometimes when I write I just let my mind spit out whatever comes out next and today, look what happened.
I guess i'll leave it in. Maybe it's meant to be. Things happen for a reason. Maybe if I wrote down all the reasons i'm cranky with my father it would help me to move on and get on with my life. Then maybe also him and I would get on a lot better.
Someone the other day mentioned starting an anonymous blog, just to let out all the frustrating stuff in your life and get it out, written down and then let go of it. That seems like a good prospect at the moment.
I have a heap of "self help" books at home but i've never read them. I have at least a dozen. I buy them with the best of intentions though. My plan now is to get one out (oops i've already packed them away but that's ok, i'll still get one out of the boxes cos they're not taped up yet so it won't be that hard) and read it, even if it all sounds like crap and wanky american BS - then i'll just get out the next one and see if that's any better. There are plenty of different authors in there - Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer - who I saw in Sydney at the Metaphysical Masters and he was JUST brilliant - I have at least three of those Venus and Mars books and another one called "Smart Women Foolish Choices". One of those will have to help a bit - anyway it can't hurt can it?
Sorry for the rambling today, not sure what's happening with my head at the moment but i'm just going to roll with it. Thanks for sticking around if you're still here and didn't stop reading ages ago!!
I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your support too. This journey would be made SOOO much harder if I didn't have my blogger support. Thanks!!
Bri
11 comments:
I think once you hear from the bank - the negative mood should lift, you have alot of stress at the moment!
Having a bit of a vent really helps too!
Fingers crossed your loan comes through very soon:)
Hello Beautiful Bri! You know, the fact that you recognise the issues from your earlier days, and can verbalise that quite clearly...how it was bad, that it did affect you, that you do have this negative self talk thing going on, well that is great. That means you can move forward, as you are doing.
I think we all have those times when we think negatively. Its when it pulls us down and when it happens alot that its a problem. Practise positive self talk. I can help can you started. Bri has a great vibrant personality. Bri is alot of fun (online anyway and offline I suspect as well....with some champagne???). Bri is a devoted mum who wants the very best in happiness for her little-one. Bri is full of life and determined to make the most of her life. Now thats just for starters.
Bri, some of those thoughts that you call "negative' are also potentially 'self limiting' thoughts. Check this website out that I googled. http://www.goal-setting-guide.com/articles/motivation/SelfLimitingBeliefs.html
About those self help books. None are perfect, but you read them and take from them what suites you and what makes sense to you.
Have a great day Beautiful Bri (BB)!
I have no great words of wisdom - just know that we all love and accept you as you are and are here for you !
I hope you hear from the bank soon - I know how awful the waiting game is.
I think you would be suprised at how much you have already helped yourself just by putting things down in words - good for you and thanks for the honest post.
I'm only a phone call away if you want to chat.
Take care and lotsa hugs.
Me
Bri, you are being mean to my best friend so cut it out. You are a good person and you deserve to feel good about yourself. I am glad you unloaded some of your troubles from the past. You won't believe me if I tell you some of the similarities there...soul siters definitely. The load is shared so now it can be halved. Your old life may hav ebeen sad but this one is getting better an dbetter. I guarantee we are now friends for life sweetie, so just remember that. Love you .
Right, you. Stop it otherwise I will be very cross. I would like to point out a few things...
You WILL get that loan.
Who CARES if you didn't start saving way back when? The life has been lived and there's no point having any regrets because it won't change anything. What you do from NOW is important, and nothing else is.
You DEFINITELY deserve to be happy. You are beautiful, generous, gorgeous and fabulous and lots of othr adjectives that my preggo brain can't think of right now.
I can't even begin to think of any words of wisdom to help you with your troubles at the moment - with stressing about your loan and issues with your dad - but I can offer you my support and a fabulous war cry once I become inspired to write one. Big hugs to you. Thinking of you today.
It definitely helps to write things out, even if it's just in a notebook or something that no one else will see.
There's another Marge Simpson quote - remember when she tells Liza not to express how she feels but to just keep pushing her feelings down and down... don't be like that :)
Just to be able to write that you are angry about something that happened or that you are hurt or disappointed can make you feel better.
Maybe it would help to work out the positive side that's come from the bad experiences. For example, changing schools is tough but I know that not having "bosum buddies' all through school meant that I could spend a lot of time writing and drawing and developing that creativity. I also think I'm a stronger person now because I never had all that need to fit into a group.
I think all bad experiences have some positive side even if it's just to make us more resilient.
You do some amazing things - singing with the band for example. I could never do that (well not sober and not without getting things hurdled at me).
And we all could have started saving long ago...lol. But sometimes life happens.
Just HI for today, because the other ladies have already said it all. xxxx
Another horder of self-help and motivational books. I have a whole box full (yep packed them up ages ago). I think it was healthy for you to leave your post as it stands. It is what you are thinking about and feeling today and that is what you have to deal with today.
I have had days when the negative and the bad comments have come out but fortunately the days of the nasty have been quashed. I think those days are numbered for you too. The bad is in the past. When I think of what house I could be living in if I didn't go to Europe - 3 times, NZ, Singapore, Dubai, Sweden etc etc but the life experiences you have had have shaped your life. If you had saved, bought a house, done things in a different order, would you still have Lachie? Would you still be with your DH? When you wish a change on the past the present can't stay the same. Take what you have now and run with it. It will all still be worth it.
You are gorgeous and you are doing the RIGHT thing *hugs*
All the other ladies have said it all, but what I will say is:
You WILL get a loan, if not from the place you've appplied to, then from somewhere else.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I had bought a house before I got married, which was before the boom!! Houses in Tassie were dead cheap before then! But that's life. And you might as well make the most of earning good money and having no responsibilities while you can.
And lastly, you are a lovely, beautiful person who deserves to be happy and deserves lots of good things in life.
As Marge says - "There are lots of people in the world who like to tell you what you can't do, but they don't always know what they're talking about!"
Hope you're having a better day today xoxoxoxoxo
WOW, the girls are great aren't they. I am sincerely sorry that you went through the shit you did. I have issues from my past too that I still carry around and I think I always will but it's the way we choose to move forward and not let it control us anymore, that will make all the difference. You are an intelligent and gorgeous human being. I think you have made a positive step by writing about it. Once you start talking and writing about it, you can only move forward. Keep being the beautiful person you have become and continue to grow from your experiences!
You've had some fantastic comments to your post Briony so I sure hope you can take some of the positives and really believe them. You are worthy of all that affirmation. House buying and selling is right up there in the top 10 of major stress factors so this is normal. Fingers crossed you get an answer soon and that it's the right one.
xxxx
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